i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
being pregnant is like rehab
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
