Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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