i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
