My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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