new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize