my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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