Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
