So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
