all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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