woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
