i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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