I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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