Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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