WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
