he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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