I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
