Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize
