Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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