The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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