I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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