one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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