history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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