you traded sex for a burrito?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
