If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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