I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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