you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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