I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
