On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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