I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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