I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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