Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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