from now on my penis is your penis
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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