That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
