I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
