Dual....:-)
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
