Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
