sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
