Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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