So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
