Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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