My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
