Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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