I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
