Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
