I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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