I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
