there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
