I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
