i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
