I feel like I'm in dance class right now
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
