great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
