mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
