My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
