Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
