Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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