Pappa wants mamma naked
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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