The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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