It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
