mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
