So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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