Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
