if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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