We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
