Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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